*I originally wrote this post back in 2016. I have decided to reshare it, because it shows that how no matter how bad things may seem, it does get better.
I will admit it was confronting to read. I remember how I used to feel about myself and how much I loathed being me. But now, when I read the words below, it feels like it was written by someone else. I now look back on it and feel proud. These words no longer resonate me. That busy mind that never was able to be silenced? I silenced it. I am so grateful that I was able to work through this, to become who I am today.
If you are having a tough time at the moment, please know that this too shall pass. It did for me and it will for you too.
Love and light,
As written on the 8th of July 2016;
It’s been a while since I’ve sat done and written a blog discussing the journey of a business owner, entrepreneur, solo-preneur or whatever you wish to call it.
For a while now and I can’t even put my finger on it, I haven’t liked myself. When I made $10,000 worth of sales in one week. I should have been celebrating, but instead I felt cold and lost.
Most of the time I feel like a robot going through the motions of life
But not actually living in the moment. If you meet me and speak with me, you would have no idea I feel this way. I am and often described as the life of the party. The person who can relate and chat to anyone, strong, stubborn and confident. And yes I am those things but I’m also shy, lonely and upset with myself.
I am complicated and conflicted and don’t feel worthy of praise or self-love. Every time I achieve something I never live in that moment or relish that excitement. Instead I move onto the next challenge, the next thing to satisfy my need and hunger.
Why? I don’t know why
I come from a loving home. I have a life that I’ve created and should be proud of. A life that most would envy. I run my own world and do it my way. I’ve experienced success and in reality I should be pleased with my efforts. But I’m not. I’m my own boss and I love what I do. I love helping business owners achieve their marketing goals, I love educating others about digital marketing.
Yet when it comes down to it, I don’t love me
In fact, I loathe me, I feel worthless and anxious. If I’m not working, I feel guilty that I should be working. When I am working I feel guilty that I should be spending time with family and friends. I don’t know how to be happy with me, how to live in the moment and most importantly, how to respect me.
Because I don’t give myself what I deserve.
I feel lonely, afraid and ashamed. Worthless and insignificant
I strive for constant endorsement from external influences. If things aren’t perfect, I become anxious and upset. I worry more about insignificant stuff than I do the big stuff. For instance I’m not happy promoting this blog post because there are aspects of this website I would normally want to change first before I send the post out. It’s not 100% perfect and it devastates, frustrates and overwhelms me.
I can’t think of a time when my mind was just silent
I am a people-pleaser. The person that will go out of their way to make sure everyone else is happy to the detriment of myself. I feel like I constantly have to apologise for being me. When in reality the people in my life, love me for being that loud, hardworking and stubborn girl. Yet why can’t I love me?
The good news is I’m working with someone to help me with this exact problem, to learn to live in the moment, to discover the joy of loving myself and to become that unstoppable force that deep down I know I can be.
I look forward to sharing my journey with you, while I learn to love myself for being me.
PS. Please don’t feel sad for me. I’m actually relishing in being authentic and real for once. For putting myself out there and learning to be that it’s okay to be me.